I’m Guilty | Let Me Be

I’m guilty

Guilty of imprisoning myself in my past

It haunts me and torments me

And every time I think it I hate myself a little more

 

I’m guilty

Guilty of punishing myself for the things I cannot change

Guilty of regretting a distant past

A past in which I knew no better

 

“Our pasts can only hold as much power as we give them”

 

So let me be oh dear past

Let me be so I can fit into my new jeans

Let me be so I can wear my yellow dress on my happy days

Let me bw so I can love oh so freely

 

Let me be, so the sun can shine on me again

Advertisements

DRIFTING (THINGS THEY NEVER TOLD US)

Untitled design(2).jpg

15:59hrs, Wednesday the 24th 2018

I’m seated on my bed listening to South African music because lately I’ve really been into this type of music. Only reason I’m here is because I’m down with a flu and being in school would equate to a million questions of why I look the way I do, and I obviously don’t want that. Not that I want to be here either. Honestly, I just want to go somewhere far away in the boondocks with the love of my life, away from civilization where nothing matters but us. A distant dream slowly coming into realization. So what’s the point of this? Point of living, point of fighting, point of loving, point of feeling? What is it really?

Lately I’ve been battling with so many questions, so many doubts and fear that’s consuming me like wild fire. One of the bravest things I decided to do was to take the road of self-discovery, and I don’t know if I’m ready anymore. It’s the scariest thing I’ve decided to do in my entire life and every day I keep doubting if I’m strong enough to carry on. So I keep having these little self-talks, I look at myself in the mirror, look deep into my eyes and search for my soul, then I speak to it and tell it that she’s the strongest person I’ve ever known in my entire life, that’s she’s beautiful, and that I admire all of who she is. That she is amazing.

These questions that keep tormenting me, questions like why I hold on to things and people so much, even those who’ve deeply hurt me. Why I harbor such intensely deep feelings, even those that eat me up from the inside. Why I’m still scared of being and feeling broken. Why I don’t show myself the love and care that I truly deserve. I don’t know what to do with all these questions, and the worst part is not that I don’t have the answers, it’s that I have all the answers and yet I’m so scared, too scared to tell myself the truth and accept it. And I want to pray and believe that I’m not the only one who’s felt this way, that there’s someone out there who understands me.

Have you ever felt this way? Like you’re being consumed by all the lies that you’ve been telling yourself? Like you’re drowning in a sea of fear and doubt? Like you have all the power but it’s useless because you’re not doing anything with it? Have you ever felt this way? Waking up in the middle of the night and starring into darkness wondering what would be of you in that instance if only you showed yourself a little more love? If only you didn’t hold on to things and people and feelings and thoughts that slowly devoured you and made you feel worthless? Have you truly ever been so scared of looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing the stranger that you’ve become?

I was told self-discovery is such a beautiful journey, and it is. But it’s also scary, you’ll hate and love yourself at the same time, you’ll despise parts of yourself until you find true meaning. You’ll forget how to love yourself and you’ll have to learn it all over again. You’ll look at yourself in the mirror and want to erase that image in front of you. You’ll be drinking coffee one morning and ask yourself what the point of staying alive is and you won’t be able to come up with a substantial answer because you haven’t even dealt with all your reasons and excuses for lying to yourself. You’ll be laughing and tears just begin to flow. You’ll have battles with yourself and you’ll get stuck somewhere near the middle and then you’ll want to stop and turn around but you can’t because your mind, heart and soul will be in synchrony even in the middle if all the chaos and they’ll convince you of all the reasons why you need to keep going and maybe you’ll stop for a while, but then you’ll start to crawl until you can walk and finally run again.

I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I was, and that’s the most comforting thing. That there is actual progress being made. It’s uncomfortable, it’s scary, sometimes sad. But it’s beautiful, it’s rewarding, and it’s ironically peaceful.

 

“Some days you’ll be fighting to survive, and you’ve got to know that it’s okay.”

You Broke Me (Forgiveness)

art-of-forgiveness-2-crystal

I’ve tried

I’ve tried to pretend

Tried to move on

Tried to forget

But you broke me

Came right after me and attacked me

Right where I thought I’d forever be a champion

You broke me

Ripped my heart wide open

You tried me

One pill, two pills, three pills

The fourth one was yours

Handed it to me like a dagger driven and twisted right through my core

Took my breath away you left me for dead

But why did you?

 

I’ve tried

Tried to understand

Tried to reach out

Tried to relate

But you didn’t let me

Pushed me away

Treated me like dirt

Victimized yourself

No decency

 

“There’s nothing as hard as forgiving she who does not acknowledge her wrong”

 

Breath in

Breath out

My mind and body I free

My soul, I renew

Let go of all the anger

Let go of all the pain

I forgive you

And then I forgive myself for not forgiving you sooner

 

“And even when they hurt you, wish them well”

Do you ever feel like that? (In your Feelings)

 

13d31e1cf26475208f51ba8f8258f889--woman-illustration-flower-girl-illustration.jpg

Do you ever feel like that?

Like you’re consumed by so much love

And everything feels unreal?

 

Do you ever feel like that?

Like the clock stopped ticking

And the world is at a stand-still?

 

Do you ever feel like that?

Like you don’t deserve it

And for a minute you just stop.

 

Stop your mind from running

In a maze of thoughts not true

Gaze into the ceiling

 

Reflect on memories so serene

Stop for a minute

And get lost in the wild adventures

 

Moments you shared

Stories you wrote

Stop my love, and look into my eyes.

 

You’ll see

That our hands will intertwine

And our hearts will lock

 

You’ll see

Just what I see

If you look into my eyes

 

You’ll see

That I’m just a girl

Overwhelmed by your love.

large.jpg

 

I recognize Wanji.K for her input in the title of this piece, In your Feelings.

Dedicated to my love and best friend. Thank you for building me everyday.

 

 

 

FOUND REMEDY (SECOND SALVATION)

 

found remedy

Take me away

Where there’s healing and redemption

Because I need to find myself

And these four walls aren’t helping

I’ve been losing myself

But you just didn’t seem to notice

And now I don’t know how to face tomorrow

If at all there will be a tomorrow

So please take me away

To a place that knows no pain

To a place where I can find saving

Because I need saving

I want to chase out the darkness inside

I want to be free

I want to find freedom

Not here

And maybe not now

But I promise you soon

I will find myself again

Just like I always do

But this time

I’m letting you inside

I can’t do it alone

And didn’t they say

That after all

We all need somebody

You are my remedy

Inside my Depressed Mind(A Voice for You)

Japan- Land ofthe Rising Sun (10)

Do you often feel alone?

Like the world around you is crashing?

Like there’s nothing left in you?

Like there’s no more fight in you?

 

Do you ever feel lost?

Lost in the crowd and no one seems to notice

That you can barely stand

That you can’t even walk

 

Do you ever feel broken?

So broken you can’t be fixed?

Like you’re underneath the waters

Far too deep there’s no return?

 

Do you ever feel scared?

So scared that you’re slowly fading away?

And no one seems to notice

No one seems to care

 

Times like these,

I need you to hold on

Hold on to dear life

And promise me that you’ll keep breathing.

Constant battle

broken-chains

Lately a lot has been feeling like a constant battle

A battle of the fear of the unknown

Fear between letting go and holding back

Fear between being free and being scared

Anxiety creeping in as the night draws closer

Trying to choke me and drain me

Juice me up until I have nothing left

 

Lately a whole lot has been feeling like a constant battle

A battle between right and wrong

Between what I’ve believed in my whole life

And between what is really true

I’m scared to the core

My spine is getting cold

Paralysed by guilty

 

Lately a lot has been feeling like a constant battle

A battle between what I truly want and what they say I need to want

But you see I’m learning

I’m learning to let go and not hold back

I’m learning to be free and not be scared

And yes anxiety is not giving up

It still keeps me up at night

But I’m a fighter now than I ever was before

 

And yes lately a whole lot has been feeling like a constant battle

A battle between society’s make-up belief system and me, just me

I’m digging up the truth they tried to cover up

Chasing after what I want not what they say I need to want

And the only fear that’s driving me now is the fear that I have so much and barely any time to deliver.