Just an year

One year ago, he said that the day I was looking forward to with so much excitement would be his happiest day. We both knew when that day was and I could tell that he was being honest because there was a glow in his eyes and a broad smile on his face. For the first time in a long time I looked right into his eyes and saw hope of a future together… That was the most magical day because I felt as if our worlds had merged together and I had forgotten about the several months before that, when I was on the edge. I was a depressed wreck and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. My world was falling right at my feet and I could not do anything to salvage it. I was devastated, broken. I had tried so many times to play God and take my own life away, but each time I failed. I was tired of living, tired of breathing; all I wanted was to be forgotten, to have memories of my existence erased. I was giving up on me; I was giving up on everything and everyone. And he, he was there to encourage me and give me hope of a tomorrow I didn’t think I’d see. But then he was breaking me too, yes there was so much, too much that had destroyed me already but he was the cream to the cake. He knew how to play his cards well, he picked me up only to throw me back to the ground with actions that pierced right into my heart if at all it was there. Love lost meaning, faith made no sense, happiness was just but a fantasy, trust was nothing but paper. Each time he looked right into my eyes to tell me another of his lies something inside me died. I became my own stranger and that is when my world stopped, because it was all in pieces. I cried, rolled on the floor, I hit the wall, I drugged myself. I wanted out. I simply wanted out and so I took that blade, cut right through my skin and created art with my pain… it was beautiful in my eyes, those curves, with blood gushing right through them, it felt like heaven, letting my pain flow right from within me. I laughed with tears forming in my eyes because I knew what that meant. It meant that I had given up on any hope of life that ever existed. But I was happy because for once in forever, I was not afraid. I was not afraid to embrace my brokenness, I was not afraid to embrace what a mess I had become. I was no longer afraid to cry and let my feelings out because I had nothing more to lose… I had already lost myself, what more was there. He didn’t understand me, he always said that he was sorry, and that he didn’t mean what he did, that he wasn’t out to hurt me, but see he did it so many times that he made it perfect. My life was so beautiful, it made perfect sense because I had finally learnt the art of hiding it all inside and letting it out through blood when the burden was too much to bear… and on that moment when he told me that it would be his happiest day and his eyes glowed I knew he saw me as a wreck, as a broken vessel, but maybe he didn’t care, because maybe he saw more in me. How I wish that that was so because now it’s a few hours to that day but he is nothing close to happy and he probably doesn’t even remember my last name.

 

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7 thoughts on “Just an year

  1. Hey, this probably isn’t the place to post this but for all it’s worth, you’ve been one of the most amazing people I know. Always stunning me with how strong willed you are and deep inside, the gentlest of souls. I hope you’re having an amazing birthday. I wish I could be there to tell you in person but I’m sure it’s already fantastic as it is. Happy birthday Kate!

    Liked by 1 person

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