15:59hrs, Wednesday the 24th 2018
I’m seated on my bed listening to South African music because lately I’ve really been into this type of music. Only reason I’m here is because I’m down with a flu and being in school would equate to a million questions of why I look the way I do, and I obviously don’t want that. Not that I want to be here either. Honestly, I just want to go somewhere far away in the boondocks with the love of my life, away from civilization where nothing matters but us. A distant dream slowly coming into realization. So what’s the point of this? Point of living, point of fighting, point of loving, point of feeling? What is it really?
Lately I’ve been battling with so many questions, so many doubts and fear that’s consuming me like wild fire. One of the bravest things I decided to do was to take the road of self-discovery, and I don’t know if I’m ready anymore. It’s the scariest thing I’ve decided to do in my entire life and every day I keep doubting if I’m strong enough to carry on. So I keep having these little self-talks, I look at myself in the mirror, look deep into my eyes and search for my soul, then I speak to it and tell it that she’s the strongest person I’ve ever known in my entire life, that’s she’s beautiful, and that I admire all of who she is. That she is amazing.
These questions that keep tormenting me, questions like why I hold on to things and people so much, even those who’ve deeply hurt me. Why I harbor such intensely deep feelings, even those that eat me up from the inside. Why I’m still scared of being and feeling broken. Why I don’t show myself the love and care that I truly deserve. I don’t know what to do with all these questions, and the worst part is not that I don’t have the answers, it’s that I have all the answers and yet I’m so scared, too scared to tell myself the truth and accept it. And I want to pray and believe that I’m not the only one who’s felt this way, that there’s someone out there who understands me.
Have you ever felt this way? Like you’re being consumed by all the lies that you’ve been telling yourself? Like you’re drowning in a sea of fear and doubt? Like you have all the power but it’s useless because you’re not doing anything with it? Have you ever felt this way? Waking up in the middle of the night and starring into darkness wondering what would be of you in that instance if only you showed yourself a little more love? If only you didn’t hold on to things and people and feelings and thoughts that slowly devoured you and made you feel worthless? Have you truly ever been so scared of looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing the stranger that you’ve become?
I was told self-discovery is such a beautiful journey, and it is. But it’s also scary, you’ll hate and love yourself at the same time, you’ll despise parts of yourself until you find true meaning. You’ll forget how to love yourself and you’ll have to learn it all over again. You’ll look at yourself in the mirror and want to erase that image in front of you. You’ll be drinking coffee one morning and ask yourself what the point of staying alive is and you won’t be able to come up with a substantial answer because you haven’t even dealt with all your reasons and excuses for lying to yourself. You’ll be laughing and tears just begin to flow. You’ll have battles with yourself and you’ll get stuck somewhere near the middle and then you’ll want to stop and turn around but you can’t because your mind, heart and soul will be in synchrony even in the middle if all the chaos and they’ll convince you of all the reasons why you need to keep going and maybe you’ll stop for a while, but then you’ll start to crawl until you can walk and finally run again.
I’m not where I want to be, but I’m not where I was, and that’s the most comforting thing. That there is actual progress being made. It’s uncomfortable, it’s scary, sometimes sad. But it’s beautiful, it’s rewarding, and it’s ironically peaceful.
“Some days you’ll be fighting to survive, and you’ve got to know that it’s okay.”